I Was Still Showing Up. That Was the Problem.

There is a kind of struggle that does not look like struggle. You go to work. You meet the deadline. You answer the phone. You help someone else through their crisis. You solve another problem. You carry the responsibility.

And because you are still functioning, everyone—including you—can assume that you are fine.

I know that life.

There was a time when, from the outside, there was plenty of evidence that I was doing well. I was educated, accomplished, working, leading, helping people, and carrying responsibilities that mattered. I knew how to show up.

What I did not fully understand was what showing up was costing me.

I became very good at carrying what needed to be carried while hiding a world beneath the surface that was collapsing. Pain could be swept under the rug. Exhaustion could wait. Disappointment could be contained. There was always something—or someone—more urgent.

Achievement can also be incredibly useful when you do not want to look too closely at what is happening inside. There is another goal to pursue, another person to help, another responsibility requiring your attention, another reason to tell yourself, I will deal with me later.

Later can become years.

The remarkable thing is that you may continue succeeding during those years. That is part of what makes Internal Drift so difficult to recognize.

I learned to associate strength with carrying. If something needed to be done, I did it. If someone needed me, I showed up. If life became difficult, I found a way through it.

Those qualities served me well. They still do.

But what did they cost me?

I drifted away.